Typically, I do not use xanga as a bridge to vent my soul. However, today will be the day that I do. I must. So... for anyone who reads this... thanks for listening!
I arrived home to IL on Monday. Coming home is always such a bittersweet arrival. I am always pleased to see my family and close friends, but I am always willing and ready to leave after a few days. There is always too much drama for me.
Its been four years now since I have been away. Things have changed. Feelings have changed. Scenery has changed. Life has continued to progress. Although it can be overwhelming, I love it. I love it because I know my life is also moving, just not in this same place.
This trip home has been very different than any other in the past years. I have been forced to be more honest, be more open, be more understanding, and be more self-aware. Also, i have learned to be more selfish. As bad as it sounds, more than anything I have learned, you can't always make everyone happy. So, by selfish I do not mean getting my way; instead, I mean being completely truthful with myself, with God, and with the peope I care most about, even if the good decision I have made, hurts others.
I hate to see people in pain, I hate to have to deal with petty issues, and I hate to be at a point where I am so vulnerable I cry until there are no more tissues left in the house. (and please dont feel sorry for me at this point..it was a good cry!) However, sometimes these things happen in life.
I thought I knew things about myself. I believed I knew what I wanted. I am so glad that God has opened my eyes and heart and has given me hope to move on through things.
Now I pray that my eyes, my heart, and my mind would be on the same page as I let go of something I never would have imagined I could.
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